Why State Security agents dislike Peevski

On Halloween day Agent Academician will dress up as … Ognyan Stefanov, Boris Petkov and Dr. Popkutev, all in one

A week before Halloween the State Security agents took out their fancy dresses and started to doll up in front of the mirror. On Friday, 25 October Ognyan Stefanov woke up around noon with a wicked hangover. That rakya was a bit too much yesterday. Drowsily he tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes and installed himself at a computer. He had such bottleache not once nor twice and has long learnt that one fire drives out another. Should your head feel too heavy relieve yourself and you’ll feel better.

So, agent Academician seated himself at a computer but all of a sudden blanked out, he couldn’t remember who he is and what he is fighting for. Only one image was simmering at the back of his mind – that of the Boss. “Tsvetan Vassilev told me to write something against Delyan Peevski, but what was it?” Ognyan scratched his head.  As any State Security agent, the Academician knew that it doesn’t matter what you write in your report, the important thing is to simulate activity. “The more, the more,” agent Academician said to himself and grunted like Pooh Bear because he felt hungry for some Serbian honey.

Whatever State Security agents are doing they never forget about their current mission – to badmouth lawmaker and publisher of Telegraph Media Delyan Peevski. When you see Agent Academician (Ognyan Stefanov) you come to think of Agent Sasho (Ilian Vassilev). They are all birds of a feather. Both to them and to their boss Tsvetan Vassilev Peevski is always the villain of the piece.

Being a seasoned Agent Academician knows well how to get into character. So, Ognyan took out his press cards from the drawer wondering who he will be today. “I will be Dr. Popkutev,” he decided. He assumed biblical airs and got ready to create a text with references to Inferno. In his computer he had a whole folder with pictures fit to illustrate any commissioned text. Tsvetan the Boss loves such things (once they even pictured him as donator of the monastery in Gigintsi). He was just like starting out to write when Ten Commandments flashed up in his mind, “You shall not steal”, “You shall not lie” and all the rest of them. That ran counter to his original idea. He remembered the plunder of CorpBank and his boss Tsvetan and got stuck.

“OK, today I’ll be Boris Petkov,” he lumped it. Then he spat on the keyboard to let his fingers slip with more ease and relieved his head of everything redundant pouring it all into one file. A bit of Wikipedia, a drop of bile and a dangerous amount of madness – so agent Academician has concocted a text which he hasn’t even read out. It turned out that he wrote such nonsense that even he himself couldn’t make sense of it. He lumped together everything – new highways, mushrooming plants, bread and salt welcome ceremony, environmental emigration and cornucopia…

After that Agent Academician mailed his “masterpiece” to Frognews and headed to the nearest pharmacy to buy his pills. He had to take pills before he started writing but he has become forgetful as of late. For instance, he forgot who plundered CorpBank and where this ‘who’ is hiding out now to evade responsibility for the collapsed financial pyramid. Other facts are amiss too. However, he never misses to send instructions to his presstitutes who croak along with him on Frognews. He knows he can trust them and never checks up their writings. To err is human. He, for instance, errs like a genius. And writes like a genius. Same as his reports are really touched by genius. Just like in good old times.

On Halloween Agent Academician will dress up as a journalist, just like old times. He will be Ognyan Stefanov, Boris Petkov and Dr. Dimiter Popkutev all in one. And now it’s time for all of them to take their pills. Better late than never.

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